« May 2007 | Main | July 2007 »
Janeane Garofalo: daily affirmations
First of all, I want to stress that none of the recent posts about Janeane Garofalo have been made in a mean-spirited way, but rather in an attempt to help. She still has potential, which I - with all due respect - feel that she's been squandering. So, rather than curse the darkness, I want to light a shining candle which she can head for in her time of need. In addition, Air America hasn't been doing anything and might be off the air for all I know. As a result, I've watched my daily traffic plummet from the astounding high of a few hundred or so visits per day to under 100. Picking up the pace of posts about Janine Garoffallo has increased the traffic a full 50%, and I'm well on my way to meeting the five year plan for this site.
So, in the spirit of giving and attempting to help - and inspired by fellow former Air America Radio host Al Franken/Stuart Smalley, I offer the following list of daily affirmations that I encourage Janeane to start saying to herself as she tours to promote the Pixar flop Ratatouille ("rattatooey"). This might be her last chance in the spotlight, as small and tightly focused as that is, but she can turn it around with the following:
---------------
I like to hike in the outdoors. It keeps me healthy!
I don't have to be a tall blonde to be pretty. Plenty of guys like shorter brunettes. Plenty of guys like women with a little baby fat. And, I like me too!
I have a pretty face.
Drugs are bad, and I won't take them except when prescribed by a real doctor.
Drinking to excess is so not cool.
I like my body!
I am a worthy person, and I have many talents.
Smoking is terrible for me. Smoke makes me sick. My nicotine gum is much healthier and doesn't make me cough!
When I shower or bathe, the water on my body feels very good. I enjoy the feeling of water on my skin.
I can both rebel and live a healthy life. I'm rebelling against decadence!
Caffeine makes me jumpy. Just one cup of coffee is fine, thanks!
Just because someone disagrees with me doesn't mean they're evil.
I'm not a piece of meat, and I don't want piercings. My body is a temple!
I've done movies, television, stand-up comedy, books on tape, appearances, and voice-overs. I'm multi-talented and I have a lot of work to be proud of!
Tattoos are for sailors and strippers. I'll look much better when mine are removed. And, I'll feel better too!
I'm proud of my natural body!
I can be concerned about the future of the world, without being glum. I'll try to cheer the world up!
I disagree with conservatives, but that doesn't mean they're bad people.
My sexuality is in full bloom!
Regular yoga keeps me limber and makes me feel great!
I'd like someone to teach me how to rock climb in the 'Gunks. That would be fun, healthy outdoor exercise!
I radiate a healthy glow and vitality that makes others happy to be around me!
----------------
If she says these each day, I have no doubt she can turn things around.
Posted in Janeane at 10:24 AM
Q: Is Janeane Garofalo gay?
A: No*.
* Lesbians (and bi-sexual women) just tend to swoon all over her, at "After Ellen".
Note also the URL in "Exhibit Two" here:
windycitymediagroup.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=15170
Not that there's anything wrong with that or anything.
Bonus! Disturbing picture of her tattoos provided at the first link:
UPDATE: Janine Garofallo's tour to promote Ratatouille continues as she visits - and praises - Austin, the most odious city in Texas (but, then again I've never been to Houston). We also learn that her hair is dyed black - its natural color is apparently a very, very dark shade of brown - and she doesn't like having her picture taken. And:
Garofalo's hands and arms are in full, florid tremble during our conversation, visibly and worrisomely. Is she this nervous?
Yes, I'm sure that was just nervousness. And, of course, she shows her hateful side:
A sacred heart emblazoned with "Liberal" on her shoulder stands out like a shout, like she's literally wearing her heart on her sleeve... "I put 'liberal' on there because I'm tired of it being used as a dirty word," Garofalo says. "It's something to be very proud of." ...On the flip side, she says, " 'Conservative' is just another way of saying 'racist' or 'misogynist' or 'fearful' or 'arrogant.'"
SPECIAL STILL NOT GAY UPDATE: Here's a 1999 Conan O'Brien clip. As long as you just look at her face and mute the sound and ignore everything else, from certain angles she actually looks very pretty:
BONUS CALL A SHRINK UPDATE: Via this we find this interview where she's asked whether she has an "authority problem":
"Yes. I think because my dad, maybe growing up was a very authoritarian type of conservative religious guy. And there was a lot of 'Why'? 'Because I said so.' That's very common in parents but especially if they're conservative religious types. I don't like that. I don't like the 'Because I said so' and I don't like the 'Why ask why?'"
Pochemuchoshka, zvoni psycholog, pozhaluysta! She has even more issues:
I like to show up at the studio and you can wear your pyjamas if you want to. You don't have to wash your hair, you know, you don't even have to take a shower.
A pretty face will only get you so far.
SEE I TOLD YOU SO UPDATE: This July 1 interview - most likely scrubbed of her usual vitriol - contains the following quote:
"I tried the accent on my then-boyfriend, and he said, 'Is this really how you're going to do it?' It really put the kibosh on doing it for friends."
Posted in Janeane at 03:11 PM
Center for American Progress conservative talk co-author linked to Bill Press, Ed Schultz, Jones Radio
Studies from the Center for American Progress cannot be trusted. The link contains an example of one of their studies that used a methodology so flawed it's pathetically funny.
The latest example comes in "The Structural Imbalance of Political Talk Radio". All denials to the contrary, it's little more than a veiled attempt to go beyond the Fairness Doctrine and impose libtalk on the nation despite glaring evidence (see: Air America bankruptcy) that the marketplace has spoken.
And, one of the CAP co-authors is Paul Woodhull, a "Special Adviser". Nowhere in their PDF is his biographical information provided (link):
Mr. Woodhull was a founding member of Big Eddie Radio Productions, LLC (BERP), the producers of the #1 liberal talk show in the country The Ed Schultz Show. Mr. Woodhull was responsible for signing the talent, designing the business plan, and negotiating with Jones Radio Networks for syndicating the program... Mr. Woodhull negotiated the sale of BERP to Product First owned and operated by legendary radio businessman Randy Michaels, the former CEO of Clear Channel Communications. Mr. Woodhull is a founding member of Bill Press Partners, LLC, the producers of The Bill Press Show.
Moreover, his wife is an executive with Jones Radio Network.
There's more on the study here and here; the second link discusses how they seem to have "overlooked" and "mistakenly" miscategorized some hosts as being conservative.
Note also that the PDF refers to the "proven success of progressive shows". As long as we're speaking relative to high school hockey broadcasts, that's accurate. And, they support imposing race- and gender-based ownership rules:
Ultimately, these results suggest that increasing ownership diversity, both in terms of the race/ethnicity and gender of owners, as well as the number of independent local owners, will lead to more diverse programming, more choices for listeners, and more owners who are responsive to their local communities and serve the public interest.
And, they appear to be trying to enable attempts by activists to get non-listeners to complain about the programming of stations they've never listened to:
Demand that the radio broadcast licensee announce when its license is about to expire and demonstrate how the public can participate in the process to determine whether the license should be extended. In addition, the FCC should be required to maintain a website to conduct on-line discussions and facilitate interaction with the public about licensee conduct.
I can practically see the blog posts encouraging "listeners" to complain about various stations.
And:
A fee based on a sliding scale (1 percent for small markets, 5 percent for the largest markets) would be distributed directly to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting with clear mandates to support local news and public affairs programming and to cover controversial and political issues in a fair and balanced manner.
Once again, it's all relative: they mean "fair and balanced" in the NPR-style.
Posted in Meta at 12:38 PM
Janeane Garofalo to undergo "Catholic School" therapy
In a shocking - but very welcome to this site - announcement, ex-cutie Janeane Garofalo has announced that she will be undergoing a controversial treatment for her various issues: Catholic reeducation. She decided to undergo this life-changing event after friends and fans reacted with horror to this recent video where she promotes her new flop film 'Ratatouille'. Some fans compared her to "someone you'd see outside a Hollywood 7-11 at 3am on a Tuesday begging for 'gas money'". Others were even less kind with those same people making disturbing charges.
As part of the treatment, the plucky actress will be issued a genuine Catholic schoolgirl outfit. The treatment consists of a squad of nuns from Opus Dei who will cloister the former Air America Radio star at a cloister somewhere in Upstate New York. No blonde wigs there! No cigs either, as any attempt to smoke will be met with a sharp rebuke... with a ruler! After a time, treatment experts expect her to lose her now-husky voice as well as her worrisome hacking cough. Regular exercise combined with healthy meals will help her lose her gaunt look. Dermabrasion specialists from SUNY-Jamestown will remove the series of extremely unsightly tattoos from her arms, including one that looks like a flexed arm muscle and others. "Tattoos are for sailors and strippers, young lady!" as Sister Natalie is fond of saying. A team of helpful recovering liberals will help her understand that she can disagree with someone's political point of view without hating them.
And, this site will be there to welcome her back.
Posted in Janeane at 05:17 PM
Air America news department: revamped! Shoelace production: up 42%!
Air America has completely revamped its news division. While false stories in the reactionary press claim that the division has been eliminated as a cost-cutting move, these stories are simply enemy propaganda. In fact, the news department is still going strong, it has now just been reassigned, with now-former staffers Wayne Gillman, Bill Crowley, Mike Piazza and Mark Scheerer free to pursue opportunities elsewhere and thus able to spread liberalism like a virus to any host that will accept their talents. Note that the false story claims this was spelled out in a "staff memo from COO Scott Elberg"; nothing could be further from the truth, and no such memo ever existed.
Posted in Meta at 09:21 AM
Janeane Garofalo really, really, really needs help
Exhibit One:Most of [Janeane Garofalo]'s act revolved around kicking a drinking habit in favor of painkillers, her scatter-mindedness and, of course, politics. To wit: "I take Vicodin now instead of drinking, but I call them 'Vicadoodles.' Who could get addicted to Vicadoodles? It just sounds better. Like 'hobo' sounds better than 'homeless drug addict.'"Exhibit Two:
...The only way to understand these people, and their fakers, posers and Republican Party, and in the Christian and fundamentalist evangelical world, is half of them don't even believe the shit they say. They just pander. To understand what makes them tick, you would really need to go to neuroscience and behavioral psychology.And, those are just the parts dealing with her hatred for those who don't think like her.
...There's plenty of dickheads in this world. It's just the white, conservative religious element that brags the loudest. There're huge assholes everywhere, but they don't tend to get the mic as often. They don't have conventions at Madison Square Garden.
...The rise of right wing radio has been such a machine of disinformation that speaks to the worst in us and of us. That has had a very detrimental effect on society... The only way conservative Republicans can win is through fraud.
...These right-wingers never win. That's why they are so mad and they scream so loud. They never ultimately get their way. If they did, we'd still own slaves and you and I couldn't vote.
...That [Elizabeth] Hasselback needs to go [from The View]. Hopefully she will be pre-registering that child of hers in the armed services, since she's so fucking gung-ho.
[What's her pet peeve?] That! That! [ Laughs ] . Exactly that. Not her, per say, because I don't know her. That, and the nonsense that comes pouring out of right wing radio and Fox. Get your fucking ass over there [ to Iraq ] , dude. If you are so concerned and dedicated, go. Go do your show from there. Volunteer. Carry water out on the field. Bring bandages. Do something. You liars. Pay double taxes, pay your Patriot tax, Mr. I love war. There's nothing more disgusting than a right-winger.
Exhibit Three just sputtered its way through the door:
The one thing you've gotta learn about Republicans and right-wingers in general: they're hypocrites. They believe in nothing... except dominating. So they always pretend to be outraged about something. But really, it's them grappling with other personality problems they have. You know what I mean by that? (laughs) The right-wing movement, quote unquote. In this country, like any country. It doesn't matter what nation you live in or what era you live in. A right-winger, a quote unquote conservative is a person who's struggling with a million other demons. That's why they are the way they are. So they always pretend to be miffed about a lot of things, but it's really, it has much more to do with whats wrong inside of them... ...like I said, it's not political. In their case it is personal. It's their personal problems, that's why they're on the right side of things. Whether it's racism, misogyny, homophobia, or being a closet gay, or being a person who is anxiety-ridden or fearful... all of these things lead them to pretend they are Republicans...Someone needs a visit from Mr. Doctor.
Posted in Janeane at 02:15 PM
Breaking: Thom Hartmann at International Environmental Conference in Albuquerque
Holistic Management International ("HMI") - an "Albuquerque-based international non-profit founded in 1984" has just released this stunning news concerning Air America Radio's newest star:"Early Bird" registration, with substantial savings, is now open through Monday, July 16 for Holistic Management International (HMI)'s International Gathering, November 1-4, 2007 at the Hotel Albuquerque in Albuquerque's Old Town...More on this story as it develops...
...Scheduled keynote speakers include: - Joel Salatin, one of America's premier grass farmers, speaks on Friday, November 2 on "Building a Local Food System That Works." Owner of Polyface Farm in Virginia, Salatin is featured prominently in Michael Pollan's best-selling book, The Omnivore's Dilemma. — Temple Grandin, the best-selling author of Animals in Translation: Using the Mysteries of Autism to Decode Animal Behavior and an international speaker on both autism and animal behavior, will deliver an address titled, "If You Eat, You Are a Change Agent," on Saturday, November 3. - Thom Hartmann, celebrated broadcaster on Air America Radio, author, psychotherapist and commentator, has written widely on environmental, political and social justice issues. He speaks on "Human Relationship to the Environment" on Saturday, November 3...
Posted in AlsoRans at 02:11 PM
AAR Bree Walker to buy Cindy Sheehan ranch
Barely-known radio personality Bree Walker - formerly a local TV newsreader and currently a local Air America Radio host on Los Angeles' KTLK - is going to purchase Cindy Sheehan's 5 acre property in Crawford, Texas, sources say. Sheehan had someone else purchase "Camp Casey" for her last year for $52,500. Walker will purchase it for the same amount to avoid the appearance of profiteering. **UPDATE BELOW**
Having seen Bree Walker on the TV back in the day, I was only aware of an issue she had with her hands. I wasn't aware that she was "out there" as the kids say:
she intends to keep the property "as a ground for freedom and peace" and is considering erecting a memorial there for troops killed in Iraq. She hopes to create a meditation garden on the grounds and to keep it open to the public... "I'm cashing out my capitalist corporate stocks and buying into a legacy of peace."
She'll have Cindy on her show today between 2pm and 4pm; rather than going through escrow, they'll simply exchange the moolah for the deed. They're liberals, and as part of the collective they implicitly trust each other, so it's OK.
Walker is soliciting listener input on what to do with the land, so feel free to drive up to Mount Wilson so you can hear their station and then call in with your ideas.
UPDATE: It turns out Walker actually paid $87,000 (over 60% more) for the property than Sheehan bought it for:
Sheehan initially planned to sell the land on eBay with an $80,000 starting bid but scrapped the idea after getting an offer from Walker, Burns said. Since she bought the property last year for $52,500, Sheehan's group put in gravel roads, cleared brush, planted gardens and made other improvements that boosted the land's value, [Sheehan spokeswoman Tiffany Burns] said.
A likely excuse! We'll be sending off an email transmission to forensic accountant Sheldon Drobny asking for his advice on this matter, and will investigate and report.
Posted in AlsoRans at 10:10 AM
Janeane Garofalo used to torture Iraqis
Janeane Garofalo's voice was used to torture Iraqis, and they "hated" it.
Tony Lagouranis is a former military interrogator, who's now telling his story. And, believe it or not, the formerly cute comedienne and former Air America hostess played a role:
Not long ago in Iraq, [Lagouranis] felt "absolute power," he said, over men kept in cages. Lagouranis had forced a grandfather to kneel all night in the cold and bombarded others in metal shipping containers with the tape of the self-help parody "Feel This Book: An Essential Guide to Self-Empowerment, Spiritual Supremacy, and Sexual Satisfaction," by comedians Ben Stiller and Janeane Garofalo. ("They hated it," Lagouranis recalled. "Like, 'Please! Just stop that voice!' ")
In lighter news, Garoffalo appears with Payton Oswald at the Somerville Theatre on June 23. Tickets are $35.
UPDATE: I wonder whether their choice of torture implements was motivated by this?
Posted in Janeane at 12:09 PM
Sheldon Drobny: all Republican Party members are like Nazis, fascists
Look, a rock! And, guess who just crawled out from under it carrying Larouchian literature under his arm but Air America Radio co-founder Sheldon Drobny:
The four planes that were hijacked on 9/11 were the imprimaturs for the hijacking of America... Throughout history there have been several examples of the exploitation of fear as a means to power the most notable being the Nazi takeover of Germany during the worldwide depression of the 1930s... Mike Malloy has repeatedly said on his show that he hates all Republicans. I used to think that was a pretty strong generalization. I have changed my mind. There is absolutely no redeeming aspect of the Republican Party in its current iteration and those who belong to that party. It would be like saying there are some good Nazis or fascists.
Posted in Sheldon Drobny at 12:28 PM
